Chapter 8: The Verdict

After five months of “Dating in the Grey”, I had gotten quite used to juggling multiple men.  Or at least I think I have. Guilt and shame were no longer consuming my thoughts because the newness of the endeavor had worn. As I sit here and think about why I am no longer consumed with these feelings, I realize that Mr. Grey had broken me into this new way of dating. HIs pursuit of other women, like Rocker Chick, paved a way for me to do the same; sometimes out of spite and sometimes out of curiosity and the want to explore what I thought were “better options”. Even though he had taken a break from other women to focus on himself, I always knew that he could stray. The thought of it made my stomach tighten and my throat close and I was learning that committing to no commitment wasn’t easy. It was something that takes a lot of practice because it goes against every traditional dating element engrained in me since the very moment of my existence. I was constantly battling jealousy, fear of abandonment, and my own mind telling me to “retreat” when things became so new that they felt uncomfortable. It became an exercise of self reflection as I constantly reminded myself of my own value and self-worth. But as they say, practice makes perfect and I was certainly doing a lot of practicing.  

Recently, Mr. Grey was surprising me; like he always does.  After I had reached the end of my patience with his blatant womanizing behavior, I encouraged him to choose women more wisely and to take care of himself both physically and mentally.  I knew that I couldn’t ask him to stop seeing other people because we hadn’t gotten to our six month marker that allowed for that conversation to happen. He didn’t shy away from my suggestions and since then, he was showing me that he was changing and stopped dating all together.  There was a part of me that wondered what that meant; for him and for us. Was this a sign of his affection for me? Or was it simply timing and circumstance that brought a new side of him into our time together?

I didn’t expect him to change. After all, entering into any relationship with that expectation was usually a recipe for disaster. But as I saw him doing it, I took it as a sign of my value to him. He didn’t want to lose me and I was scared of losing him.  We made each other better. We pushed each other.  I encouraged him in some ways and he encouraged me in others.  We believed in each other wholeheartedly and that was a feeling that was foreign to me. Every man up until Mr. Grey had only supported me to an extent; but when my light shined brighter then theirs, they would hold me back or try to dim me in any way they could. Mr. Grey didn’t shy away from my light. He didn’t mind being in my shadow. There was no sense of control or fear of being left behind. He knew his place and I knew his. Being with him was terrifying; not because of what he brought into my life but what I was afraid of losing. Him. I didn’t want to lose him.

I wanted to find the same kind of connection with the Writer. Maybe he was a safety net for me in some ways? A welcome distraction to create less attachment to the man that consumed so much of my heart. But, I was having a hard time connecting with the Writer emotionally.  Maybe I was trying to force it out of him? It all seemed so surface with him and I desperately wanted to dig inside and find something that I could hold onto.  But he wouldn’t let me.  His self imposed wall of protection around his heart was strong and uncompromising.  He was willing to go through the motions, but he wasn’t willing to remove the mask and let me see who he really was.  No matter how hard he tried or I tried, he simply wasn’t measuring up to my expectations. But why did I expect so much from someone I knew so little?

Mr. Grey and I told each other everything; ever date, every kiss and every juicy detail of our love lives. The openness and honesty I shared with Mr. Grey was something I wanted to insert into my relationship with the Writer as well.  I tried by telling the Writer about my “Dating in the Grey” for at least six months.  I explained my commitment to no commitment and my need to date others while getting to know him. The problem was that the Writer assumed that I was open to dating other men but not actively doing so.  

This led me to my current crossroad.  The Writer wanted me to tell him if I was thinking of dating anyone else, when in fact, I had been dating Mr. Grey during our entire relationship.  I didn’t know what to do?  Do I tell the Writer that I had been seeing someone else the entire time?  Or do I spare his ego and let him assume he was my one and only?  

I knew the answer before I even asked the question.  I had to be honest with the Writer.  I had to tell him about Mr. Grey.  If I wanted him to be open, honest and vulnerable with me; I had to be willing to do the same.  So when I texted him that I was seeing other people, I knew I would hear from him instantly.  And just as soon as I hit send on my text message, my phone rang.

“Hey there.” I answered, “I am glad you called.”

“I got your text message” he said curtly.  I could immediately tell that the information that I shared had struck a nerve. 

“So you are dating other people?”, he continued. 

“Yes” I answered.  

“How many?”, he said.  I could tell by the tone in his voice that I needed to prepare myself for a Dateline inspired line of questioning. 

“I have been seeing one person for a couple of months”, I responded honestly.  

“Wow.  Ok, so you have been dating someone else the entire time we have been together”, he said in disbelief. 

I was a bit taken back by his surprise. I thought I laid a foundation of understanding from the very beginning but somehow, the Writer didn’t hear me. Or maybe he believed I wouldn’t follow through with my plan to “Date in the Grey”? Or maybe he thought that our recent sexual activity was a sign of commitment? Either way, his assumptions didn’t align with the reality of the situation and I was left in a position where I had to set the record straight.

“Are you fucking him?”, he blatantly asked. 

I was shocked by his question and wasn’t prepared to answer.  And since I didn’t have an answer that was vague, I did what I thought was right.

“Yes.  I am” I said.  Silence consumed our conversation. I felt compelled to start explaining myself but I held back.  I didn’t need to do that.  I knew that nothing I said would soften the blow I had just ignited. 

“Are you safe?”, he said after a while

“Of course.  I am safe with him, just like I am safe with you” I answered matter of factly. 

I didn’t know what his reaction was going to be so I was surprised when he said,

“I still want to keep seeing you.  I am headed to Florida in two days.  My buddy just moved to Miami and I have never been to Florida so I figured I would go check it out.”

There was something in his spontaneous exploration of my home state that I found to be ironic.  Part of me felt that he wanted to see where I was from so he could gain further information about his decision to date me.  But this was simply an assumption and I knew that assumptions were dangerous, so I kept my mind open and reminded myself to trust the process.

“Have a great time and tell my home state I said hello”, I said cheerfully; thankful for the change in subject. 

“I will and I will hit you up when I am back so we can figure out another time to get together”.  Our conversation ended as abruptly as it started. 

As I sat contemplating what just happened, I received another phone call.  It was Mr. Grey. 

“Hey there” he said.  “I spoke to the recruiter who reached out last week.  I have an interview with the department head of the company”

“Oh my gosh!   That is amazing!  I am so proud of you.  Did you get any details on the company?” I asked excitedly. 

“Not yet but I am sure they will give me a full download when I speak with them.  I am going to start preparing and I just bought a bunch of books on leadership so I can freshen up my interviewing skills”. HIs voice was filled with pride and hope.  I knew he wanted something bigger and more challenging in his career.  He needed the push to take the leap and I eagerly volunteered to help him step off the proverbial ledge.

In the many late night talks that we shared, he expressed his passion to lead people.  His analytical approach to work made him a “walking spreadsheet”; as I liked to call him.  He was compulsively organized and had an eye for efficiency.  Before he came to Los Angeles three years ago, he spent the majority of his career in a lab coat, making intricate works of art for highly technical military companies. His career reached new heights when he single-handedly invented a new prototype that improved the capabilities of the semiconductors he had been assembling for almost two decades.  He could have stayed in our sleepy little hometown and reaped the fruits of his labor for the rest of his life, but a woman inspired him to dream bigger.  At first, he didn’t know his direction and followed her on a spontaneous journey across the world to a small island in the middle of the sea.  After a few short months, with limited resources and money depleting, he retreated back to our hometown as she followed him and they came up with a new plan; move to California.  His move wasn’t as impulsive as the first one; he had gained valuable knowledge through that process.  Instead of throwing his fate into the arms of the unknown like he did on his first attempt, this time he took a more logical approach.  He began applying for jobs and interviewing like his life depended on it.  The process wasn’t easy for him.  He went through a rigorous interviewing process and his knowledge was tested time and time again. But Mr. Grey didn’t shy away from the challenge; in fact, he excels in those environments and he landed a job as Production Manager at a large manufacturing facility in Los Angeles.  This is where he discovered his passion for leadership.  In the three years he spent in LA, he leveraged that job for another that offered more money and a better title.  After a year and a half, he had stagnated which is where I found him.  

I knew how unhappy he was at his current job, even if he was too proud to admit it.  He had gotten used to the daily uselessness of his position and was filling his day with stimulation from women and his night with a combination of sex and alcohol.  It wasn’t a good look and my hurt shined a light on his destructive behaviour.

This new opportunity was more than just a job.  It was a way to elevate his life into something more fruitful.  It was a way to bring purpose and passion into his existence again.  He didn’t have to tell me these things, I somehow knew.  We had gotten extremely close over the last several months and I learned to see his magic.  Many people said that he was my project and they may be right.  But I have never failed in anything I have ever set my mind to and this would be no exception.  And they didn’t know him like I did.  I didn’t have to create passion and drive within him; he already had those most important parts.  All I had to do was encourage him and believe in him.  And I did that, wholeheartedly, unwaveringly and absolutely fully in every step of the way. 

I didn’t expect to hear from the Writer while he was away and I was surprised when he texted me about his arrival in Miami. 

He prided himself as a man who shied  away from photos and phone time, but uncharacteristically sent me photos of the Miami city lights.  

“Landed in Miami.  This doesn’t suck”, was his message accompanying the photo.  

Maybe he could accept my current position and still want to continue to explore a relationship with me? The words “safety net” flashed through my mind for the millionth time. In all honesty, my confession left me feeling vulnerable and I yearned for his acceptance. I wanted him to accept me; fully and completely. I wanted someone who would support me in all of my decisions; the good and the bad.  And while he might not agree with my current dating style, it would mean a lot to me if he accepted it as part of my process.  I wanted him to be a confident man who was up for the challenge; believing, in the end, that he would be the suitor that would prevail.  I took his communication as a good sign.  

As the days wore on, his communication continued but his tone changed.

He started sending me photos of sunsets with captions saying “the best part of Florida”

and then a photo of an overweight person in a bathing suit length that was comparable to his own, that said, “and the worst part”.  

I felt the dichotomy in his photo selection almost was synonymous with his feelings about where I stood.  He liked the beauty but hated the reality.  The next photo was a gun, mace and whisky and said “Now I am really in Florida”.  I suppose the cliche’s would continue until he returned to his place of comfort; the southern plantation he called home. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Grey was in full force interview prep and was hungrily devouring every leadership book he could get his hands on.  He spent his nights reading as much as he could and then processing the information on the phone with me.  I really had no interest in learning about leadership but I listened anyway because it wasn’t useless information.  It may not be my passion but I would always support his.  

The day before his first interview, he spent the majority of his time at work writing interview questions for himself to answer.  

“What is my greatest hurdle I have overcome in my career?”, he read as he contemplated the answer.  As he listed many obstacles he faced, each one came with a triumphant ending that excluded it from being an option. 

“You can’t answer this question with a boastful answer” I said.  “This is the type of question where you have to give a vulnerable response”.  

“You are right” he said and paused while he was deep in thought.  

“What about the fact that you don’t have a college degree?” I said. 

“I don’t want to tell them that.  They will just think that I am not qualified for the job”, he quickly responded. “Everyone wants someone with a degree”. 

“If you think about it, it is the biggest hurdle that you had to overcome.  Not only in every job you have applied for but with yourself as well.  You have always had an insecurity about not having a degree.  But look at what you have done despite it.” I retorted. “You are a success story of what is possible despite following a traditional path of learning.  It is a testament to your intellect, your hard work and your drive.  You look at it as if it is your greatest weakness, when in fact, it is your biggest strength.”

“I never thought about it like that”, he said as if he was stumped.  

“I think you have your answer”, I said proudly. 

The next day was the big interview day and I was nervous for him.  He had gotten off of work early so he could do a last minute preparation before his scheduled zoom began.  He called me before he took the call.

“Alright, I am all set up at my desk.  I have a cup of coffee in the corner so I can sip on it .

I am wearing my black button down dress shirt, cause it shows off my muscles.

Image is a non-verbal cue of confidence” he said, trying to hide his nerves with arrogance.

I smiled through the phone.  “You don’t need to do all of that.  Just be yourself.  You have prepared so much and have all the tools.  Now it is time to put them to use. Now go show them what you got.”

“Yep” was all he said, but I knew I said all the right things. 

I sat anxiously waiting for a call to hear how it went and after an hour and a half, I thought he forgot to check in with me to tell me how it went, so I texted him.

“How did it go?!”

About 10 minutes passed before he responded with a call. 

“Killed it!”, he practically screamed through the phone. 

The sense of pride and accomplishment was evident, but that didn’t stop me from diving deeper for every last detail.  The interview lasted almost two hours and was conducted by his immediate superior who seemed to be a novice at zoom and never looked at the camera a single time.  Mr. Grey described the interview as preliminary and admitted that he was overly prepared.  The interview consisted of a download of his position and what it would entail; running the largest department in a global wine label manufacturing facility.  

Before I could get any further details, the Writer called.  

“Hold on, this is the Writer”, I said

“What does he want?”, Mr. Grey answered with a tinge of jealousy.  

“I am not sure but I suppose he is back from Florida.  He doesn’t usually call me out of the blue.  Let me take this and call your right back. 

I answered the Writers call and we quickly caught up about his time away.  Being the pompous man that he seems to be, he described my home state as “culture less”.  I thought that was an unfair statement being that he is a bi-product of New Jersey but ok. As much as I hate to admit it, I felt immediately triggered because his diss reminded me of my ex who used to call my home state “swampsville”. Looking back, it was the beginning of the “not good enough” dialogue that would continue throughout our marriage. Was this the beginning of the Writer starting to do the same? Break me down so that my shine doesn’t create a shadow? As he listed off the things that he liked, they immediately followed with a list of complaints that made me remember his pool attire that was so atrociously embarrassing.  I wondered if he graced Miami with his throwback to Uncle Eddie.  No man was going to make me feel ashamed of my past; not now and not ever. I tuned out his complains with this hideous mental picture until he caught my attention by saying, 

“I thought a lot about you seeing other people”

“Ok, what did you think about?” I said curiously. 

“I don’t want to see you if you are going to see other men.  It’s just not for me.  But if you decide that you want to date me and only me, than give me a call and we can pick up where we left off”

His sudden change of heart took me by surprise.  My impulse to become defensive flared but I knew vocalizing the “I told you how this was going to go from the beginning” would be a conversation that would lead no where.  If he wasn’t willing to accept my decisions, I would at least accept his. 

“Ok, I understand.  And if you change your mind about it, you can always give me a call” I said, unwaveringly.  

We wished each other good luck and ended our time together as adults.  I appreciated his honesty.  It was probably the most vulnerable thing he said to me thus far.  As I looked back on our short relationship, it made sense why he didn’t want to date me while I dated others.  He didn’t want to feel second best.  He felt that way in his marriage and he bravely escaped that.  He wasn’t about to entertain another relationship that would draw out those same feelings.  He didn’t have to say this, I knew.  While his pool attire could use a helping hand, he was a good man, a great dad and he was discovering what he wanted in life.  I thought that I could be part of his process and I was; just not in the way I had expected.  I learned a few valuable lessons through him; not everyone was ready for the type of relationship I wanted. I learned that a “safety net” approach doesn’t serve me. And most importantly, I learned that taking the time to get to know someone was invaluable. I don’t want to keep making the same choices and mistakes that I did in my marriage and I was starting to see the red flags more clearly.  

As I sat in silence as I digested the information just handed to me, feelings of rejection started to trickle in but I quickly shook them off as I reminded myself of my own value, my own wants and desires. This is what I had been practicing diligently throughout the process of “Dating in the Grey”. I knew what I wanted. I wanted an honest relationship with someone who accepted me fully.  I was grateful that I didn’t commit to someone who wasn’t able to love all of me, but only the shiny perfect parts.  

After I fully digested what just happened, I called Mr. Grey back. 

“So, what did he want?”, he said without a normal salutation. 

“He told me he didn’t want to date me if I was seeing you.” 

I could sense the triumph from Mr. Grey through the phone.  If it was a battle between two men, he had won while the other retreated.  

“Well, fuck him. You told him the deal from the beginning.” Mr. Grey’s words resonated with me. He was saying everything I wanted to say to the Writer but spared him.  But more importantly, I saw that Mr. Grey had my back. He wasn’t going to let any man bring me down and was willing to say the things that I deemed impolite.

“Yep.  I was getting bored with him anyway.  There is only so much small talk and bucket hats that I can take”, I said with a smile.  

Mr. Grey wasn’t just my lover, he was my friend.  He knew me, inside and out and I knew him.  His words were small yet powerful and he constantly reminded me of my value and to never back down from my desires.  In a weird way, he empowered me.   He never coddled me or pretended he could save me.  Even though I was accustomed to men following me around with life preservers, I didn’t want to be saved.  I wanted to be loved and valued for exactly who I was; a strong, powerful woman who wasn’t afraid to be honest and take risks.  Mr. Grey not only saw that in me, but he loved me for these very things. We hadn’t said those words to each other but I could feel them in me and in him. Would we ever vocalize these three powerful words to each other? I don’t know. I knew I was scared to even think about it and knowing him, he was too. Admitting I loved him meant that I couldn’t use the ruse of “he’s not good enough” to protect my heart. And his admission meant that I had conquered him in some way. Neither of us were willing to admit our feelings towards each other but that doesn’t mean they didn’t exist. Is this what love feels like? Raw, painful, beautiful, challenging, accepting, heartbreaking, triumphant love?

Mr. Grey once said,

“Everyone has fucked up shit.  It is about finding the person whose fucked up shit aligns with your fucked up shit”. 

For this reason, I was beginning to believe we were perfect together. 

We were both independent, driven, smart, sexually adventurous, afraid of commitment and slow to trust.  My yin aligned with his yang. We only had one more month to go before we reached our six months together.  I was starting to realize that I wanted to take our relationship to the next level. But then Mr. Grey gave me a piece of information that could potentially change the course of our relationship.

“The job is in Napa”, he said in the only way he knew how; directly and honestly.

“So if you get this job, you would move to Napa?” I said in disbelief.

“Yes” he said 

Chapter 9: Will He Stay or Will He Go?